Dallas Fisher

The only good thing to come out of this movie is Sarah Abbott as Lizzie.

So if you don’t want to read a few paragraphs of me bashing the movie, thanks for giving my website a view and enjoy your day. 🙂

Ice Cream Man is about as unhealthy as you can get in the “movie” department and I even watched this before I heard all of the negative things about Eli Roth in real life. I won’t be touching on these things but I will be touching on his abilities to make a movie. Because, what the hell happened to him? Cabin Fever and Hostel aren’t exactly in the upper echelon of horror films but they at least have some interesting ideas, solid execution, and some cultural staying power, but this movie has NOTHING. It’s as if he Benjamin-Buttoned himself and completely reverted his brain back to a bad film school. The movie looks like it was lit by cheap light bulbs and the writing is as if the awful child actors each wrote their own two minute scenes.

So much of the story reminds me of other horror movies that I wouldn’t be surprised if he put the titles into an AI Yahtzee cup and this script was spit out. Everything that is jammed together becomes mostly weird and not scary. Having none of the film set at night surely didn’t help because you need a top tier cinematographer and master author to make a day horror film work and this had neither. I hated watching zombie ice cream kids kill adults simply for the sake of violence. The semi practical effect kills couldn’t overcome the awful direction and look of everything. I’m also learning in real time that AI was actually used in this movie and you can absolutely tell. The use of technology used in the plot was already infuriating enough before learning that fact. I’m also pretty sure royalty free music was used, and if it wasn’t, it would be great in Jackbox TV games (not a slight at Jackbox TV because I love playing those games)(Absolutely a slight at the score in this movie).

Can we talk about the Ice Cream Man himself? What an awful execution of a horror character. The look is iconic just for the fact that’s what they wear, but they do nothing with it and he looks more like a IN-N-OUT employee. Not having the character speak was a terrible choice and the casting decision was also plain bad. In fact, the casting decisions for 99% of the movie was plain wrong. It reminded me of a small town of 7,000 people getting together to make a movie that they only screen at the second most popular church. Outside of the Ice Cream Man doing his worst Art the Clown impersonation, the kids and adults alike all gave me a brain freeze. I’ve never wanted to watch children die more in my life.

Combining the previous two paragraphs, I couldn’t believe the choice that was made to unveil the motivations behind the cream delivery man. It’s like Eli completely misunderstood his own character that he wrote and ultimately led the message to become preachy and ass backwards.
In an alternate dimension we get Elijah Wood as the titular character and Kathryn Newton as the teenage girl trying to figure out what is going on. Instead, we got this garbage.

My first sentence sort of lied, I did like the ice cream scoop weapon.

Watching insane kills should be fun but this is just a crash where we never get the sugar rush.

.05/10